Why I'm Not Allowed To
by Thorn In Your Side
Summary: Drabbles on why each Naruto character is prohibited from doing something...OC inclusion because I love Hoshi.
1. Kiba

Why I'm Not Allowed To

**Why I'm Not Allowed To**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto!**

**Summary: Drabble, why each Naruto character is prohibited from a certain activity, OC inclusion. **

**A/N: Hoshi is an OC, yes, but I threw him in here 'cause it's funnier with him. **

**Chapter One: Kiba Can't Use Bug Spray**

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

"Ah," Hoshi sighed pleasantly, "What a beautiful day. The birds are chirping, the sun is shining, and plants are photosynthesizing. Life is as it should be in the gorgeous, peaceful village of Konohagakure. Or is it? Let's take a closer look!"

Kiba scratched his neck, irritated, as he followed the puce haired boy. Yes, Hoshi's hair was puce. Some would call it mauve, but they would be in for a spectacular ass-chewing as to how it is puce, not mauve. It wasn't his natural hair, obviously—but the lustrous black of his curls had long been abandoned in favor of the store bought puce-y-color-that-some-might-call-mauve-and-regret. "Hoshi," he said, "Remind me again why I'm doing this for you?"

"I'm paying you good money bitch, now keep that camera on me!"

Akamaru gave a loud, resounding bark. Kiba woofed back in agreement. Hoshi turned to glare at the duo. "Is there something you two would like to share?" he asked loftily.

"No," the Inuzuka replied.

"Well then, I suggest you shut your holes and follow me! I'm gonna get rich with this movie. Hoshi of Konohagakure: Professional Stalker!"

"Who are we stalking again?" Kiba asked, scratching Akamaru's ears as the giant hound scratched his back.

"Generally anyone that deserves to be stalked—hey. What are you guys doing?"

"We're itchy," the dog nin explained, "You know how the saying goes…you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours."

Hoshi blinked owlishly. "I see…have you considered the fact that you may have dandruff?"

"Inuzukas don't get dandruff!" the cinnamon haired boy snapped irately.

"How about fleas then?"

"Oh. Those…we get."

Hoshi produced a can of mace out of nowhere. "This is the answer to your prayers, my friend," he said somberly.

Akamaru growled suspiciously. Kiba nodded. "I thought flea collars were a better idea."

"Nonsense! Spray this on yourself and the fleas will run away screaming. Besides, the ladies dig it," the puce-head waggled his eyebrows.

"I'll take it," Kiba reached for the canister.

"Great, that'll be a hundred yen."

"What!"

"Well, you wasted video time, and I'm paying you, _**and**_ you want the can for free?"

"You're right," Kiba muttered, properly chastened, "That's greedy of me. Here, take the money," he said.

Hoshi grinned at him as the pocketed the hundred yen note. "Fare thee well, fleabag," he said, and, grabbing the camera from him, ran towards the village.

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"Heya Shino!" Kiba hollered to the boy. Shino raised an arm in greeting—then froze. "Kiba, you smell weird," he said.

"What are you talking about, I smell like a million yen!"

Shino's eyes widened. "Kiba, you have on BUG SPRAY!"

"Yeah, wanna get some too?" the Inuzuka brought out the can of mace and sprayed down the boy. A mass of black fell away from him: his bug pals.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (gasp breath pause gasp) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (gasp breath pause gasp) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

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"So, Kiba-kun," Tsunade sighed, "What have we learned today?"

"Never trust Hoshi?"

"Hey!"

"That too," the Hokage admitted, "But more specifically…?'

"Never spray bug spray on Shino?"

"Precisely. I think you'll understand when I say, no more cans of mace or any other insect deterrent for you, hmmm?"

The cinnamon haired boy grinned sheepishly. "Yeah."

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

**This is one of those stories you have to do regardless of the reviews, so I'm not gonna bother asking for 'em. I love this! But please, as always, if you've seen a fanfic with the same idea, please let me know.**


	2. Neji

Why I'm Not Allowed To…

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto! **

**Chapter Two: Why Neji isn't allowed to use Byakugan Except For Out-of-Konoha Missions.**

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

"Neji! We're under attack!" Lee yelled, throwing on his green jumpsuit as he ran past the white eyed genius. No, I won't tell you what he was wearing under his green jumpsuit. I will tell you it was green though. And I will tell you that Neji shuddered in horror at the sight.

"No shit, dumbfuck!" Tenten shouted at his retreating back as she dodged a random projectile, "Who's attacking us though!?"

"I believe it's the minions of demonic doom!" Gai hollered as he rushed after his favorite youthful student, "Take care of yourselves, youthful blossoms!"

"Psh, like we need to be told," Tenten muttered as she got back-to-back with Neji, in their preferred fighting stance.

"Activating Byakugan!" yelled the Hyuuga for no real reason other than giving away his signature move, his heritage, and his name. He made the hand seals and the veins around his eyes popped out as he went into Gentle Fist mode, not so gently kicking the crap out of all his enemies.

Tenten broke their formation first, finding what she was looking for: an opening, a cluster of foreign shinobi that were begging to be bombed. "Neji, cover me!" she ordered, jumping into the air. The Hyuuga swept his gaze across the square, assessing enemy ninjas and…

…and…

_Tenten has a really nice ass,_ he thought, staring at it. _Must be from training all the time…how come I never noticed it? I mean, we're on the same team and everything. Damn, what a tush! How the hell did she get it tan? Go to a nude beach? Hmmmm, there's a thought, Tenten on a nude beach, naked. I wonder if she took Sakura and Ino with her…the girls, laid out…tanning. Heh, nice. _

"HYUUGA NEJI WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?"

Oh. Right. Helping her out. Covering her. Watching her back…

_Such a tight little tush…_

SMACK.

"Owwww! Tenten, what was that for?" the genius whined, rubbing his cheek. His teammate glared at him threateningly. "For not helping me out!"

SMACK.

"What was that one for?" he asked, bewildered and sore cheeked.

"For using Byakugan to look through my clothes, closet perv!"

SMACK.

He raised a pained, questioning eyebrow. "Because slapping you is fun," she laughed.

"Oh joy. And what am I supposed to do, hit my teammate back?"

"Turn the other cheek. Go on, turn it."

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Gai surveyed his guilty looking student sternly. "Neji. I understand that the hormones of youth are flooding your body with passion, and the calls of youthfulness can't go unanswered but do you think perhaps next time, you could not team up with Tenten? I think you should go with Lee, at least until your youthful fires have cooled."

Neji groaned inwardly as Tenten giggled and Lee nodded sagely in agreement with his sensei.

He was never going to hear the end of this from his uncle.

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

**Heh, at first I was going to do a Neji and hair products chapter…but this came out instead. I stuck with it because it can be Neji-Tenten if you want it to be! **


	3. Kurenai

Why I'm Not Allowed To…

**Why I'm Not Allowed To…**

**Disclaimer: I still don't own Naruto!  
A/N: HOLY HELLA CRAP I already got four reviews!? It's been like…an hour since I put up the first chapter! –is flattered- thanks you guys! Ah, also, it's the Sandaime here…pretend this chapter came before the last two, ne? **

**Chapter Three: Keep Kurenai **_**Away**_** From that Hair Iron! **

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

Kakashi nudged his colleague. "Check her out," he whispered, "Remember, she used to be all over you in school? She's the new jounin. Genjutsu expert. Her name's Kurenai, is she hot or what?"

"She sure has filled in," the bearded smoker said agreeably. The newly promoted shinobi walked over to them confidently.

"Hey Asuma-san," the red eyed woman said flirtatiously, "Do you think I should do something new with my hair?"

"Yeah," he replied without thinking, "You should, uh, straighten it, I heard it's all the rage in Tokyo. Kakashi," he added to his friend, "Weren't you supposed to meet Sandaime-sama an hour ago?"

"Oh crap. Quick, gimme an alibi!"

"You got lost on the path of life?" Asuma suggested.

"You had to help a kitten that'd fallen down the sewer," Kurenai offered.

Kakashi considered his options. "I think I'll just tell him I was out saving the world again."

"Good luck with that," Asuma called out to him. Kurenai watched him move away, and went home to call Anko over.

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"Um, I dunno Kurenai," the aggressive chuunin said, "I mean, changing your hair for a guy…there's gotta be something written against that in the feminism rules."

"There isn't. I checked."

"Well, if you're sure…" Anko sighed, and handed her the hair iron.

-several minutes later-

"HOLY CRAP PUT IT OUT PUT IT OUT!!" Kurenai screamed, her head aflame.

"I'm trying!!" her fishnet fetish companion cried, "Um, generic suiton no jutsu!"

A waterfall poured out of thin air onto her friend's head. The fire sizzled angrily, and then went out. To say Kurenai's hair looked like a bird's nest would be both a compliment she wasn't worthy of, and a horrific insult to avian homes world wide. It was a charred mass of ravaged cells, and it was a good thing they were dead because if they'd been alive, the fire probably would've hurt much more.

"So," Anko said bracingly, "You did something new with your hair. Maybe Asuma digs this look."

"What, the I-just-crawled-out-from-under-my-bed-in-a-burning-building look?"

"There's the spirit!"

Kurenai snorted and gazed dejectedly at her once gorgeous hair in the mirror. Anko's eyes roved around her room, and widened to impossible proportions when they saw…

"FIRE!!"

The good news was, they were able to stop the flames from spreading to the other houses. The bad news was, Sandaime Hokage called Kurenai over to tell her he'd have her permanently demoted to genin if she ever touched an electrical appliance again, and please get a wig.

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**


	4. Kakashi

Why I'm Not Allowed To…

**Why I'm Not Allowed to…**

**Disclaimer: Nope. Don't own Naruto. **

**A/N: Porn…not my strong point. So I stole some lines from the famous American sitcom, Friends. And guess what? That's right chickadees, I don't own those lines. **

**Chapter Four: Kakashi, Please Step Away From the Internet.**

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

"Wow! is wildly popular!" Jiraiya cackled to himself. "Look at all these people signing up! Man, there are a lot of people out there that like porn!"

Kakashi peered over his sensei's sensei's shoulder. "Porn? On the Internet?"

Jiraiya glanced at the Copy Nin with an air of incredulity. "Of course! Where else would porn be??"

"I didn't assume the Net," Kakashi admitted, "My porn collection is limited to your books and the local video store."

"Well, my golden pupil's golden pupil, I think its time you visited the wonderful land of Online Porn," Jiraiya declared, and gave him his seat.

That was where his team found him…twenty four hours later.

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_Man, there is a LOT of porn out there, _Kakashi thought gleefully, _I could do this for the rest of my life!_

"Kakashi-sensei, c'mon, we have a mission we need to…go…to…?" Naruto's whiney voice trailed off as he squinted at the screen over his teacher's shoulder.

"Whoa, that lady's all sorts of naked."

"Naruto! OH NO! Shield the young one's eyes!!" Kakashi screamed, and tackled his student. The smaller shinobi ended up on the floor with a rapidly expanding bump on the back of his head, and his silver haired sensei on top of him.

"Kakashi-sensei, I'm twelve, I'm not stupid. Get off me!"

That was the moment Sasuke, Sakura and Hoshi chose to walk in. Kakashi and Naruto looked up (one backwards/upside down 'cause remember…he was on the ground) at their stunned faces.

"YAOI!" Hoshi yelled, pumping the air with his fist, "YAOI, YAOI, YAOI! I should totally tape this!" having said so, he whipped out a tiny digital camera and began rolling. Kakashi and Naruto sweatdropped and quickly rose up. Sakura twitched a little. "Kakashi-sensei, you pedophile!" she hollered, slapping the jounin and walking away haughtily.

"Oh…my…virgin eyes!"

They whirled around to see Sasuke over by the computer. He fainted, the images on the screen too gross for his small, revenge obsessed mind to handle.

"Kakashi sensei," Naruto said with a disgusted air, "I think you've managed to ruin sex for us for all time."

"Um. My bad?" the Copy Nin chuckled nervously.

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"And so, I hereby decree that the pervert known as Hatake Kakashi will never, ever, _**ever**_ be permitted use of the Internet without the supervision of a responsible adult (of which there are none in Konohagakure) and his porn viewing activities will be limited to adult fiction books and the local video store," the judge read out from the little piece of paper, "Oh, and because he scarred the last Uchiha too much to ever do it and reproduce for us, I condemn the bastard to hell."

"All in all," Kakashi commented, "It was a very fair trial."

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

**And now we know why Kakashi only ever reads the Icha, Icha books. Yay adult fiction! **


	5. Sakura

Why I'm Not Allowed to…

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto!**

**  
Chapter Five: Please Don't Feed the Kunoichi Cheese.**

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

Hoshi was on the prowl.

The puce haired boy's aquamarine eyes darted around the square, shrewdly sizing up the gullibility levels of each citizen. He was looking for someone to milk money from, to pay for his latest obsession. (Bobble heads, in case you were curious.)

"…and, regular as clockwork, these _**really ugly HAIRS **_pop up on my chin the day before I get my period, its so grossss especially if I'm on a mission…"

Bingo.

Few humans were as susceptible to con tactics as an appearance-conscious teen girl, bless her hormone-ruled heart.

"Haruno Sakura," Hoshi muttered under his breath, "You have been chosen to be _**bamboozled**_."

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"Hey, Sakura!" he called out to the pink haired girl. She turned to him and Hoshi gave her a big, goofy smile the kind that screams 'glompable'.

"Hiya Hoshi," she greeted him, "What's up?"

"Well, I heard from Ino about your _**problem,**_" he stage whispered, leaning in conspiratorially, "And I took the liberty of finding a solution."

"Ino blabbed!? That bitch, this is the last time I tell her anything I want kept secret—wait. Did you say solution?"

"Can you say miracle? 'Cause that's what this is," the boy handed he a package wrapped in brown paper. She peered inside and sniffed it experimentally.

"Hoshi, this is _**cheese**_."

"Yeah, _**specially**_ made, very _**rare,**_ _**blue**_ cheese from the far reaches of, uh, Botswana," he nodded sagely.

"…But its cheese!"

"It has special properties," he insisted, "It's got…glycogen v. And…vitamin c. It's super healthy, it'll make your skin glow, and there won't be a single hair on your body by the time this baby's through!"

Her hands flew protectively to her bubblegum pink hair.

"Except your head, of course," he hastened to add.

"That's great!" she squealed, "Thanks Hoshi, this is so unusually sweet of you!"

"Yeah, I know. So that'll be seven hundred yen, 'm'kay?"

"Oh. I thought you were just giving it to me…" her voice trailed off. He sighed. "Sakura, Sakura, Sakura. You're so innocent, you know that? Miracles cost money nowadays, honey. I shelled out all my pocket money and ran all over town to get you this really expensive cheese, and you won't even pay me back the fraction I'm asking for…oh well, guess I'll just have to give it to Ino, she did say she'd pay full price—"

"Omg, Hoshi, I was just kidding!" the girl said, thrusting the notes at him, "Um, see ya 'round!"

Chuckling evilly, the mauve—sorry, _**puce**_ haired boy strolled away. "Limited edition Ultralord bobble head with super purple shine, you are mine."

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"Good afternoon, Sasuke-kun!" the brown paper bag said cheerfully. The Uchiha's gaze traveled up and down the girl's body. She dressed like Sakura, and she sounded like Sakura…black eyes peered through the two eye holes in the paper bag over her head, and caught a glimpse of a shade of green that emeralds arm wrestled each other to achieve.

"Sakura?"

"Yep, the one and only!"

He cleared his throat. "Yeah, I'm gonna need proof, so if you could just strip for me—"

WHACK!  
"Teme!"

"Ah, Naruto," Sasuke smiled at his best friend, "I was just confirming this stranger's identity."

The blond scowled at him. "Can it, bastard. You and I both know its Sakura-chan, but," he turned to the rosette, "Why are you wearing a bag over your head?"

There was a pregnant pause, and then: "I don't want to say."

"C'mon Sakura-chan, we're your teammates!"

"Yeah, take it off!"

PUNCH.

"Teme!!"

"I meant the bag. I swear."

"I have acne," a small voice issued forth. Naruto blinked, and then laughed. "Sakura-chan! That's just fine, everyone gets a pimple or two, I'll still think you're gorgeous!"

"Not me," Sasuke quipped, "I'll always think of you as an ugly bitch with nice legs."

"Do you really need to be hit a third time?" the kyuubi carrier questioned. (Whoop, whoop for alliteration with different letters!)

"No."

"That's what I thought. Now, Sakura-chan, take off the bag!"

After a moment of hesitation, the bag came off.

"Well?" she asked, "Is it awful? Cheese makes me break out, apparently."

"OHMYGOD MY EYES! MY POOR, VIRGIN EYES!" Sasuke screamed. (He really needs to stop broadcasting his virginity, doesn't he? I mean, if he wished to remedy the situation there are only like, a thousand fangirls who would gladly deflower the bejeezus outta him.)

Naruto gaped at the girl, then averted his gaze. "Uh, you…look…great, dattebayo," he lied, suppressing his gag reflex.

Sasuke paused in his screaming to grab his teammate and force him to face Sakura, who seemed close to tears. "DOES _**THAT**_ LOOK 'GREAT' TO YOU, DOBE?!"

Naruto too began to wail. "OH GOD MAKE IT STOP! PUT THE BAG BACK ON, WOMAN!!" They ran away shrieking like little girls who'd stepped barefoot onto a squishy bug, and Sakura pulled the brown paper bag over her head again, murder in her movements.

"Hoshi. Is. DEAD."

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Tsunade soon sorted everything out, starting (to everyone's relief) by giving her apprentice an anti-acne cream. She then rescued Hoshi from the enraged kunoichi's claws (too bad the same couldn't be said for his bobble head collection…the biggest piece they ever found was half an Ultralord head) and called a meeting of the village shinobi, scaring them terrifically with a picture of acne-Sakura.

"And that is why we will never let her eat cheese again. Understood?"

"OSSOU!" they roared back, trembling in fear.

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

**Do this: go to Youtube, type in Orochimaru's Gangster Song in the search thingy, and watch the video. It's posted by itachisunderworld, and is the funniest shit ever. **


	6. Temari

Why I'm Not Allowed to…

**Why I'm Not Allowed to…**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto! **

**A/N: heh, profanity receives a new name this chapter. **

**Chapter Six: Why Temari May Never Train a Genin Team. **

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

Kankurou introduced his sister to the three genin. "This is Ayako, this one's Ai, and she is Leiko. Kids this is my sister, Temari."

"Good morning, sensei!" Ai and Ayako chanted dully.

"We're not _**kids**_," Leiko huffed.

"Nice to meet you, _**kids**_," Temari grinned.

"Shut up! We're not kids! We're almost teens!"

"You shut up, kid!"

"No, you shut up!"

"No, _**you**_ shut up!"

"It's good to know you're already getting along," her brother sighed.

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"Okay kids—"

"We're not kids!"

"—today's training session is: snatch the still-beating heart from the chest of your teammate," Temari said, ignoring Leiko, "Begin…now!"

Ai, the sandy haired boy, decided to be a good little child and do as his sensei said. "Ayako, watch out!" he yelled, grabbing her shirt front. The girl gasped in horror, and he looked at his hand in a disappointed way.

"Aw man, I didn't snatch the still-beating heart from your chest!"

"Senseiiii!" the twelve year old female wailed, "Ai's being a pervert!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"What'd he do?" queried Temari.

Leiko flipped her hair and reported in scandalized tones, "He tried to molest her!"

"Did not!" the lone boy protested.

"Did too!"

"This isn't fair, I'm outnumbered!" Ai grumbled. Leiko shot him a dirty look. "God, shut up, you whining sissy!"

"I am not a whiner! Women are mean!"

"You just whined!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

Temari sat down hard on the training field, wondering if the headache forming at her temples was strong enough to kill her and rescue her from the unbelievably noisy world she'd suddenly been thrust into.

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"Okay kids—"

"We. Are. Not. Kids."

"—our mission today is to capture a cat that escaped from Konohagakure. It's black and has a pink bow on one ear…or something."

"Black cats are bad luck," Ayako said absent-mindedly.

"Your face is bad luck!" Ai yelled.

"Shut up, whiner."

"I am NOT a—"

"Okay," Temari said loudly, "Let's get to the mission, shall we people?"

"Thank god she didn't say kids," muttered Leiko.

"C'mon kids, hurry up!"

"ARGH!"

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"Ai, in position," the sandy haired boy whispered into his mike, "Target in sight."

"Leiko, in position," the brunette replied, "I confirm the target's location."

"Ayako, in position," the budding kunoichi reported, "I see you guys, and the target."

"…OW!! MOTHAFUCKER! ASSHOLE, SON OF A BITCH!! STUPID ROCK! _**OW**_!! STUPID COCK SUCKING FINGER FUCKING SIDE LICKING NOSE PICKING GARBAGE EATING WHORE OF A TREE! WIND TORNADO NO JUTSU! HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW, CUNT!?"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Temari, in position," the jounin said calmly, "I can see you guys, but I think the cat is gone."

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Gaara looked up at his brother who carried three unconscious pre-teens and led a very unrepentant Temari into his office.

"What happened to them?" the Godaime Kazekage nodded to the genin.

"They heard our darling sister cursing at inanimate objects and fainted," Kankurou scowled.

"Let me assure you, they were not inanimate," sulked the blonde, "The rock bit me and the tree hit me!"

"Onee-san?" her little brother said, "Maybe we should wait a few years before you teach students."

"Believe me, otouto, I am _**not**_ complaining."

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

**I love Temari. Not only is she super hot, she's also super cool! This is my favorite chapter so far! **


	7. Sasuke

Why I'm Not Allowed to…

**Why I'm Not Allowed to…**

**Disclaimer: Yeah, I really acquired Naruto in the time it took to post this chapter. NOT. **

**A/N: Mmmm, I'm eating Oreos…yummy. **

**Chapter Seven: Don't Let Him Watch Tragic Romances. **

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

"There's…nothing…good…on…television!" Sasuke grunted as he channel surfed. He sighed and threw the remote across the room, regretting it immediately because the TV was stuck on Animax, and he would have to get up to change the channel.

"Damn it," he growled, rolling himself off of the sofa.

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Across the village, in the Hyuuga courtyard, Hoshi's money-op senses tingled. Actually, they vibrated vigorously, making his nervous system go haywire and sending his body into a series of spasms that ended with him lying on his back on the ground, staring at the sky into infinity and occasionally twitching. Hanabi, with whom he'd been sparring, took advantage of him being distracted and attacked with a flurry of Gentle Fist style blows that sealed off his chakra pores and left him paralyzed.

"You don't put up a very good defense, Hoshi-san," the younger girl reprimanded. Hoshi would've liked to respond with a sarky "No DUH," but he was rather preoccupied by the disturbing fact that he couldn't feel his body.

-a few minutes later-

"I need to borrow one of your DVDs," was the first thing he said when speech returned to him.

"It'll cost you," Hanabi replied smartly, and he wasn't sure whether to scowl or smile, having been the one to teach her that everything came with a price tag.

"How much?" he asked instead.

"One thousand yen."

"WHAT?!" Hoshi yelped, "That's crazy talk!"

"No bargaining, take it or leave it," the Hyuuga shrugged. He laid a hand on her shoulder, almost paternally. "Hanabi, your sensei is proud. You have learnt well, now, I must ask for my fees in the form of—"

"Screw you, don't try to smooth talk me."

The scowl that appeared on his face was somewhat dulled by the pride that she had indeed learned so well, and the number one con artist of Konohagakure parted with his precious money with the grace of a sensei that has lost to his protégée.

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"Come in," Sasuke said in answer to the knock on his door.

Hoshi bounced in like Tigger (Or is it Roo? Which one's bouncier?) and beamed at the Uchiha.

"What do _**you **_want?" the sharingan user asked warily.

"I heard you were bored, so I brought you this DVD!" the puce haired boy chirped brightly. Sasuke took the offered case, scrutinizing it with an offended eye.

"The Notebook?"

"Yep!"

"Sounds like a sappy love story to me," the raven headed boy commented as he scanned the synopsis.

"It's a prequel to Predator, the synopsis is wildly misleading," Hoshi invented.

"You don't say?" the Uchiha's eyes narrowed. "What's the catch?"

"Catch? What catch?" Hoshi asked innocuously.

Sasuke snorted. "I'm not an _**idiot. **_You're looking to make money by selling me some sort of second rate junk, aren't you?"

His blue-green-gray eyes filled to the brim with tears, a small mouth pointed downwards in dismay, the lower lip began to tremble. The once-upon-a-time-black-haired-but-now-store-bought-puce haired boy brought a hand to his heart as though fatally wounded by the other male's words. "How _**dare**_ you accuse me of such a thing!? Do you think I'm heartless? Do you really think me so callous as to try and leech money from my friends? I'm so hurt! Shocked, just _**shocked**_, I tell you!!" he sobbed dramatically, swooning at the end for a nice touch.

"Hey," Sasuke said, distinctly uncomfortable, "I didn't mean—I mean…it's not that…um. I'm sorry, would you like to watch the movie with me?"

"I'd love that!"

And so the movie was played, and watched. And so, as so many viewers before him had done, Sasuke too succumbed to the gooey, lovable, sticky cuteness of the story, going 'aww' and 'ooooh' and 'kawaii!' at all the appropriate moments, and ultimately, yes, he (gasp!) cried.

"It was her! It was her all along! Oh, Noah, you poor bastard!" he sniffled as Hoshi clicked picture after picture.

"Looks like it wasn't the prequel to Predator after all, huh?" the con artist said sympathetically, "Tough cookies, dude. Hey, listen, I gotta go run a few errands, you take care, 'm'kay?"

Sasuke waved him away with a tissue, and Hoshi grinned sinisterly to himself as he examined the pictures on the tiny screen of the digital camera. Even puffy-eyed and with a tear streaked face, the Uchiha was breath taking. Full pink lips were reddened by dint of having been chewed raw through the movie, onyx eyes were red rimmed like an inverted sharingan, and the porcelain skin was flawless, as usual, now sparkling with tears that had caught the flash of the camera.

Hoshi's grin widened. The Sasuke Fan Club would pay a small fortune for these babies, and he'd be sunbathing in the Hidden Sand Village before his victim realized what had happened.

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Kakashi surveyed his team with an air of bewilderment. "Y'know, I could've sworn there were _**three **_of you," he said to Naruto and Sakura.

"There _**are **_three of us," Sakura informed him, "Naruto, where's Sasuke-kun?"

"I'unno."

"How could you not know, you idiot, he's your best friend!"

"That doesn't mean I have to keep constant tabs on the bastard! You're his stalker, you should know!"

"What bitch? Say that again, I dare you!"

"Maybe," Kakashi interrupted, "We should go check his apartment."

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"Sasuke?" Naruto cautiously addressed the darkened room, "Are you in here?"

"It was so sad! They died!!" came the reply, along with the sound someone shedding tears. Eyes widening, the Uchiha's team ran to envelope him in a warm group hug, assuming (mistakenly) that he was crying over his dead clan.

"Shhh, it's okay, Sasuke-kun," Sakura murmured, "We're here now…"

"But she didn't remember…then at the very end, she did, and they kissed, and they danced!!" the black haired boy cried. Kakashi raised an eyebrow. "What are you on about?"

"The Notebook! It was like, the saddest movie ever, and it was so sweet, and now I can't stop crying!"

Naruto glanced despairingly at the others, who shrugged. "I bet I know what can cheer you up!" the blond baka yelled, "Look! Oiroke no jutsu: Itachi Edition!"

A very naked, very female version of the older Uchiha brother popped into view, and Sakura bitchslapped him.

"IDIOT! Why would seeing his naked female brother cheer him up!?"

"Because it's funny?"

"Cake! Chocolate cake cheers everyone up," the pink haired kunoichi declared, producing one out of thin air, but to no avail.

"Um. Would you like some porn?" Kakashi offered.

"N-no!" the boy wept inconsolably, "Once these gates are opened, its just too hard to close them!"

The whole of Leaf Village tried their best to raise his spirits (Shikamaru and Chouji tangoed to a balalaika ballad) but the tears never stopped. Finally, Tsunade, fearing a flood, lead the distraught boy to a secluded forest and told him to stay there until he was all cried out.

"And don't come back till you're really done, you big baby!!"  
Three days later, Sasuke found his way back to the village, dry eyed and raring to kick some Hoshi butt. But the boy had escaped to Sunagakure, where he was under Gaara's direct protection (everyone wondered why, it was assumed that some rare Pokemon cards had exchanged hands) and didn't come back till the whole thing had blown over.

And now, if you visit Konohagakure, playing a tragic romance movie without authorization from the Hokage could earn you up to twenty years in the Yaoi Cage of Demonic Doom. Unless you were a yaoi fan…then you went to prison.

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

**Hey, this wasn't as funny as usual. T.T**


	8. Sai

Why I'm Not Allowed to…

**Why I'm Not Allowed to…**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto!  
A/N: There's a Tayuya chapter in the pipes at (by?) the request of one of my reviewers, but it needs a little (okay, a lot of) tweaking. To fill my time while the chapter is perfected, I'm doing this! **

**Chapter Eight: Emotionless ANBU Don't Make Very Good Hentai Writers. **

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

"Sai," Danzou said sternly, "I'm concerned for your well being. You have grown, emotionally speaking, thanks to spending time with Team Seven, but I'm afraid you have grown…stupid."

"Huh?" the ANBU Root member said blankly, "Whaddaya mean?"

"You've gotten stupid. See this IQ test you took?" the eternally bandaged man waved around a piece of paper with a sketch of Sakura beating up Naruto on it, "Well, you scored zero. Because you sketched this instead. Your attention span has fallen, you speaking skills have gone down the drain, your sparkling wit has grown dull."

"Okay."

Danzou sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Sai, I have a mission for you. Write a book. A full length manuscript. The theme can be whatever you like, just anything. I hear writing therapy does wonders for developing the brain…Sai! Stop picking your nose!"

"My bad," the kid grinned goofily.

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"I see…so you're asking my help to write a book?" Naruto frowned, "Why?"

"Because you're the student of that pervert with the white hair, and his books sold like Harry Potter."

The blond's eyes widened as realization struck him like a boulder to the shoulder. "You want to write adult fiction, Sai?"  
The raven haired teen scoffed. "No, I wanna write hentai!"

"What'd I say?"

Sakura face palmed herself. Why was she stuck with these idiots? The answer struck her: she wasn't. Nothing obliged her to keep them company off missions. Grinning, she left them in search of people who actually used the bundle of nerves and cells between their ears.

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Kakashi caught wind of a rumor that a new pervert author was on the rise, to continue Jiraiya's legacy. Eyes narrowed, ire raised, blood boiling, entire collection of Icha, Icha in hand, the Copy Nin stalked to his student to ask who the hell gave him the right to succeed such a genius.

"Danzou-san," Sai said simply. "He asked me to write a book on whatever I liked. I thought making money while I'm at it might not be bad too…so I'm writing hentai."

"I'm his editor!" Naruto chirped happily. Kakashi raised both eyes to the heavens. Naruto as editor: there was one book whose grammar was going to hell. Believe it!

"Lemme see what you have so far," the jounin demanded. Sai twitched, and glanced at Naruto. "Tell him." The blond nodded and folded his arms across his chest, somehow managing to stare _**down**_ at his sensei. "The genius artist formerly known as Sai will not share any details of his manuscript work in progress, Icha, Icha Returns with Twice as Many Threesomes. The rough draft will be auctioned at a starting price of forty thousand yen when the book is printed. Any untoward disturbances to the artist's noble work will be punished by his editor/agent, Uzumaki Naruto. This rules and regulations will grow longer, but give it time because we just thought it up like, an hour ago."

Kakashi considered the speech. "What is he known as now?"

"Jiraiya Version 2.0, with sexier hair!"

"Oh dear _**lord**_," the older male groaned, "This is not happening. This is _**not**_ happening."

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"Kakashi," Tsunade said firmly, "For the last time, it is not under my jurisdiction as to what Sai writes or why he writes it."

"But it's a sham! A scandal! A slap in the face to the memory of your best friend!" Kakashi waved his arms about wildly, foaming at the mouth. Tsunade stared him down.

"I. Don't. Care. Jiraiya was a glorious pervert, he'll probably be happy that someone's carrying on his work. If it bothers you that much, just don't read the book!"

"Yeah but—"

"Shut up!"

"But—!"

"Shut up!"

"B—"

"I SAID SHUT UP DAMMIT!!"  
Shizune quivered in fear as anger flared from her master's person, and Kakashi meekly whimpered, "Yes ma'am," before hotfooting it out the door. The legendary kunoichi sat back in her chair, radiating the candescent pleasure of having done a good day's work.

"Nothing like scaring the bejeezus out of a man to make your day, eh Shizune?" she said cheerily, pulling a stack of papers towards her. She looked around for her assistant, but the girl was nowhere to be found. "Huh. Guess I scared her a bit too."

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"Kakashi-san!"

"Shizune?" he frowned, "What's up?"

"I heard…about the new Icha-Icha book! I'm with you, this is sacrilege," she panted, having chased him down with a pig in her arms.

"I know!" he exploded, "I mean, does no one understand that to be the successor for something so gut-wrenchingly erotic, you have to be BORN with the talent?!"

"Yeah! And no one, no one in the whole wide world has the talent to write incest yuri like Jiraiya-sama did!" Shizune fumed.

Kakashi gripped her shoulder suddenly. "Incest yuri? Oh my gosh, you're my soul mate!"

She smacked him. "I _**don't**_ think so! I'm just joining forces with you against a common enemy!"

He rubbed his cheek. "Let's get plotting!"  
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Several hours, two severe brainstorms, and many Oreo cookies later, Sai submitted his manuscript to Naruto, who sweatdropped as he read it.

_**It's a calm, cool, day. There are three women in a field. They are having sex. Lots, and lots, and lots of sex. Two of the women are siblings. They make many erotic noises. That arouses the third woman. "Say my name," she says. So they say her name. "Whip me hard," she says, so they whip her hard. Eventually, they have so much sex that even in the calm, cool day, they are tired and hot. So they go to a stream to bathe. There they see two men having sex with one woman between them. It is very sexy. The three women are sexually aroused once more, and have sex again. **_

__Naruto had to stop reading. He looked up at Sai. "Um, Sai, maybe you should work on it a little more," he suggested. Puzzlement glinted in the dark eyes. "Work on what?"

"Well…the whole thing. It kinda sucks," Naruto explained. Sai snatched the sheaves of paper away from him. "You are an awful editor!" he snapped, "I'm taking this to my publisher!"

"Wait!" Naruto called out to him, "You don't have a publisher!"

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"Right," Shizune said, "Remember the plan: you attack him, I'll grab the manuscript and burn it."

"And then we'll celebrate by having sex!" Kakashi enthused.

"NO!"

"Just a little bit?" the jounin pleaded.

"…How do you have _**just a little bit**_ of sex?"

"I'd be glad to demonstrate…"

SMACK! "You idiot!" she snipped, "He's there, go get him!"

"Yes ma'am," the Copy Nin said dryly, then jumped down in front of the ANBU Root member, "BEWARE! YOU ARE UNDER ATTACK!" he bellowed.

"Hello Kakashi-sensei," Sai nodded pleasantly, "Nice dog mask."

"You like it? I got it at—um, I mean. BEWARE! I WILL NOW PUNCH YOU!"

"It's not very smart to announce your attack, is it?" Sai noted, "Kinda kills the element of surprise and, uh, stuff."

"Eh, it's in the ninja handbook. Always yell your attack loudly and obnoxiously to your enemy."  
"Really?"

"NO DUMBFUCK I WAS SCREWING WITH YOU! NOW DIE!" Kakashi screeched as he tackled the boy to the ground.

"Help! Help! Boy-rape! HELP!!" Sai screamed in a panic. A score and a half well meaning women appeared out of no-where to beat the silver haired pervert into a pulp, coo over Sai, and leave in a fit of giggles. Sai dusted himself off and glanced apathetically at the jounin. "Well, good day, sensei. Hey, that rhymed! Maybe I should foray into poetry next…hmmm…"

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Soon, the entire populace of Konohagakure was flocking eagerly to the publisher's for a glimpse of the latest pervert book from the dormant Icha, Icha series. They all imagined the most spectacular nosebleeds they were likely to get and nearly wetted themselves from joy. Shizune and Kakashi watched the blasphemy sadly, shaking their heads.

"True believers and true fans would never even gaze at such shit!" Shizune spat, "Isn't that right—Kakashi-san? Are you reading that brat's book!?"

"Um," he said, "No…?"

"YES YOU ARE ITS RIGHT THERE IN YOUR HANDS YOU BIG LIAR!!"

"THE MONKIES MADE ME DO IT!" he screamed back at her. They stared at each other for a while in silence, then fought over the book.

"Aha!" the brunette yelled triumphantly, "Now I shall read!"

-a few minutes later-

"MY EYES!"

"Oh my god I just threw up last month's baloney over this shit!"

"That was the worst thing _**ever**_, including the image of your sister naked!"

"Is this some kind of joke? We want the hentai! HENTAI!!"  
"Hentai! Hentai! Hentai!" very soon, a mob formed outside the building, and when the tension built up to a breaking point, sexually frustrated ninja stormed the place, looking for porn.

Sai watched proudly from a distance. "See how much they love my story?" he remarked to Naruto, "They're raiding the place for more copies!"

Naruto buried his head in his arms. "You're right Sai. That's _**exactly **_what they're doing."

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"Danzou, were you the idiot that asked this boy to write adult fiction?" Tsunade demanded angrily.

"Hentai," Sai corrected.

"Not specifically," Danzou mumbled.

"I swear to god, Sai, if you ever write a single word again, I will personally hang you from the rafters and let the fangirls feed on you!" the Hokage growled.

"Fangirls! That's what my story was missing—fangirls raping their favorite characters!"

"Sai!!"

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

**-laughs her ass off- OMG I loved the lemon, it sucked so much! Ahem, even though I say so myself. I write the best bad lemons! **


	9. Tayuya

Why I'm Not Allowed to…

**Why I'm Not Allowed to…**

**Disclaimer: Nope. Still don't own Naruto. Wow, do I need a new disclaimer. **

**A/N: ****General Everin Stormclaw of the Emerald Stars, ****Dragon Prince**** and the Fifth Sutakage, Bearer of the Prophecy, the ever-faithful reviewer I like to call Felix (hehehe) and known on this sight as Felix the Eeveetrainer…this is his chapter! (Is insanely proud that she remembered the whole title through memory) Doragon Nasshimaru is an OC of his that I borrowed for this chapter, which was unexpectedly hard to write. –sigh- oh well, it was 'totally worth it', as Nasshimaru would say. Ahem. Moving on! **

**Chapter Nine: Absolute NO Weapons (or) Why Tayuya Fights with a Flute. **

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

"Tayuya-chan, Ukon-kun, I've got good news!" Orochimaru announced.

"You're giving us a salary?" Tayuya asked hopefully.

"You're giving us our freedom!?" Ukon yelled energetically.

"I'm giving you a mission!"

The pink haired Sound nin and the silver haired one glanced at each other. "How is that good news?" Ukon asked.

"It's bringing in oodles of money!" Orochimaru said gleefully.

"And we get a cut of the fee this time?" Tayuya asked, hopeful once more.

"Psh, no! I keep it all!"

Ukon and his colleague exchanged another Look. "Right. I repeat…how is this good news?"

"I never said it was good news for you did I?" the Sannin pointed out.

"He got you there, Ukon," the pink haired kunoichi that wasn't Sakura (gasp) grinned.

"Damn you and your oddly fitting logic!"

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The young ninja stood on the edge of the cliff, mud colored eyes scanning the horizon intensely. The winds blew his longish brown hair into a frenzy, and a scowl marred his features as strands of sleek chocolate obscured his line of vision. He ran a hand through his hair and held it there, frowning. Sandy dunes stretched out as far as the eye could see in all directions except the one from whence he'd come; there you could see an oasis way out in the distance, so shimmery it seemed a mirage. The young man looked up at the Sun, who was still yawning the sleep out of his eyes. The star shined back brightly, as if to say, 'What are _**you**_ looking at, punk?'

Doragon Nasshimaru was _**hopelessly lost**_.

"What a rancid crock of yak butter!" he yelled at this narrator, "I'm not lost, I just…am…um. Deciding where to go next!"

Well, no need to be so bitchy about it.

"You're the one being bitchy!"

Shut up, you monkey-faced hedonist!  
"Oh, that hurt. Really. I'm going start crying any minute now," he said sarcastically.

This narrator narrowed her eyes at the boyling, and was about call down the wrath of the heavens when something _**much**_ more satisfying happened.

A double headed man came hurtling out of nowhere and rammed into Nasshimaru, forcing him to the ground with his knee in the brown haired male's groin.

This narrator pointed and laughed. Nasshimaru glared at the heavens where he could hear the echoes of her amusement, and spat. Of course, gravity being the bitch that it is, the spit came back and hit him in the face, and this narrator went 'Ewwww'.

"Get off me!" Nasshimaru said, throwing the man off, and scrambling to his feet. He drew his katana and faced the man. "Who the hell are you?" he barked, eyes darting around to check for other enemies. There was one—a fuchsia haired kunoichi, standing a short distance behind the man, one hand on her hip and a hungry look in her eyes.

"Ukon!" she called, "I want to—"

"We tossed a coin, I get this one, so shut up and watch me kick his punk ass!" the silver haired man snarled. Tayuya smirked. "Oh, _**sure**_, you know, 'cause you're the boss."

"Really?" Ukon blinked, surprised.

"What do you think, fucktard?"

"Um…"

Tayuya groaned. How the hell had she ended up with this idiot for a partner?

"You know what I think?" Nasshimaru flared up, "I think you shouldn't ignore me! Because _**I'm**_ going to kick _**your **_punk ass!"

"Oh yeah? Eat this! TAREN KEN!" Ukon roared, lunging for the brunet. Nasshimaru's sword lashed out and stopped him mid-blow, and he laughed. "You suck, dude. Like…really bad. You suck more than the narrator, and she sucks something awful!"

"Who?" the Sound Nin asked, confused, but the Doragon kicked him and sent him flying. "YO MAMMA, BITCH!" he yelled, and proceeded to pummel the living daylights out of the man. When he finished, he stepped back with a satisfied, "oh, did I just kick your ass?" look on his face.

Tayuya watched, jaw agape. This boy was much better than anticipated; Ukon didn't even get a chance to initiate the curse seal, forget calling out his brother and the second stage! A familiar feeling rose up within her, the fury that made her blood drum through her veins merrily, the desperate ache to rip the head off of fluffy bunnies—or in this case, an underage boyling that was strong enough to take out her teammate.

Besides, that obsidian blade was fucking _**cool**_, and she would pry it from his cold, dead fingers.

Heh.

Ukon's swollen eye widened as much as it could when she leapt forth to the boy, cackling insanely. "Tayuya! Remember, we need him—"

"DIE, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!"  
"—alive…" the man groaned, "Oh god, Orochimaru's going to kill us."

Nasshimaru's eyes followed her keenly as she sailed through the air, whipping out a bolas and throwing it at him. He dodged it, and laughed at her expense. "You're gonna have to do a lot better than that!"

Tayuya chose to reply by hurling a javelin at him. "What the—where'd that come from?" he yelped as it missed him by a hair's breadth. Five morning stars hurtled towards him, and he ducked and flinched as one caught his arm, drawing blood.

"Learn how to aim, baka," he sneered. The kunoichi again favored attacking him over responding verbally, bringing out a quarterstaff to counter his sword, the hawthorn wood strong enough to clash and hold its own against his obsidian blade.

"That sword will be mine," she hissed, her eyes glinting with the fire of fight, "And your head will be mounted over my fireplace!"

"Where I can watch you undress?" he smirked, then backpedaled, "I mean, like hell! No way am I losing to you!"  
Nasshimaru knocked aside her quarterstaff, but immediately, a cutlass appeared in her hand, drawn out from an unmentionable place (alright, fine, it was in her underpants…don't ask me _**how**_, where'd she hide a fucking javelin on her?!). A barrage of shuriken assaulted him, and Tayuya leapt into the fray for close combat again.

"Purple banana monkies, you're strong!" he chuckled, but the laughter died on his lips as his feet were swept from under him by the reappearance of the quarterstaff (didn't it go over the cliff? Apparently not.)

"Shit."

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Tayuya's eyes narrowed in confusion when the boy suddenly threw himself at her, clutching her midriff. "You are so awesome!" he shrieked, "No one's ever been able to kick my ass so thoroughly! You rock! Will you marry me?"

The fuchsia headed woman tried to shake him off, failing miserably. "Ugh, _**no**_ you piece of trash! Did that last blow hit your head!?"

He let go and shook a finger at her sternly. "Now, now, is that any way to treat a fan?"

She stared at him for a long time, then brought out a giant halberd. "You offend me," she said, "Prepare for pain. Lots of it."

Ukon stepped between her and her bleeding boy, holding up his hands in a placating way. "Now, Tayuya, think happy thoughts…"

"I am thinking happy thoughts, asshole! I'm thinking about something eating him!"

"Um, peaceful thoughts," Ukon clarified, "Like waterfalls. And birds. And no anger! Isn't that fun? We can't kill him; Orochimaru would skewer us and serve us for dinner as Roast Flank of Ninja!"

Tayuya sighed and dropped the halberd she was wielding. (Seriously…where did she PUT them all??) "Fine…but not even a little bit?" she asked.

"A little bit," he allowed.

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"Here ya go Orochimaru, here's the boy, alive and well…not well, but well, you know," Tayuya sulked as she threw him at the Sannin's feet.

The dark haired man waved away Kabuto's fawning attentions and looked down at Nasshimaru. "Who's this?"

"The boy you sent us to get," Ukon said, frowning, "Doragon Nasshimaru."

"Oh. Yeah, this isn't him," Orochimaru said lightly, curling a finger into his hair, "That boy's name was Dave. I mixed up the names."

The two sound nin twitched. "How the HELL could you mix up—urgh, never mind."

Orochimaru blanched as he examined the damage to the brunet. "Freaking hell," he hissed, "Who did this?"

"Tayuya got a bit carried away with her weapons," Ukon admitted.

"Tayuya," Orochimaru growled, "You are never using a weapon again. Ever. Dear god, you sadistic bitch, this scares even me!"  
"No…weapons…?" the kunoichi whimpered, lower lips trembling dangerously.

Orochimaru's eyes widened. "Oh, uh, don't worry! In exchange, I'll give you this…um, flute of demonic doom!" he invented, pulling the musical instrument out of thin air, "It totally goes with your hair."

"Okay, works for me," Tayuya shrugged, then looked to Nasshimaru. "By the way," she said grudgingly, "I guess I should apologize."

"That's okay…I'll forgive you on one condition."

"What?"

"Go out with me!"

A vein twitched in her temple, and she punched him and walked away. Nasshimaru fell back, a goofy grin stamped on his features. "Totally…worth it."

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

**Note to self: never spend so much time planning a chapter again, it will never reach your expectations. Felix, hope I kept what's his face in character! ****Oh and btw…this is probably the last chapter. Unless I get more ideas, this story is **_**over**_**. Meh, what can I do? I crunched in nine chapters in like, what, four days? It's a given that I would run out of steam. –shrug-**


	10. Shino

Why I'm Not Allowed to…

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto!  
A/N: I have **_no _**will power. 'Stay away from the fanfiction', I said. 'Stick to the original story for a while', I said. But since when do I ever listen to my own advice? **

**Chapter Ten: Shino, You're not the Reincarnation of Coco Chanel. **

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

The spawn of the Aburame clan was having lunch when he was unceremoniously disturbed by an unwanted guest.

"Hoshi," Shino began, "Why are you here?"

"Oh, whatever you're having looks so delicious! Can I try a bite?" the puce headed boy asked eagerly.

"No. Why? Because I don't share food."

"Gee, who put a bee in your undies?" Hoshi groused, then cracked up. "A bee! In your undies! You probably do have one, doncha?"

"Hoshi, you're an idiot."

"And you're a two faced beaver."

"Leave me alone," Shino tutted, "Kiba's gone on _**another **_mission and I've once again been forgotten. Why? I don't know."

"Maybe it's 'cause you're not a very good ninja."

The Aburame pinned him with an icy glare. "What?"

"I mean…maybe you weren't _**meant **_to be a ninja," Hoshi corrected himself.

"Again…what?"

"Maybe becoming a ninja isn't your destiny! Did you always want to be a ninja? I mean, there are a lot of other occupations out there. Maybe you wanted to be something else, but you had no choice!"

"Like what?"

"This is counseling," the con artist warned, "I'll need payment to help you out."

"I've got forty rhou."

"Fork it over, buddy!"

"Now, you were saying?"

"Well," Hoshi said, "What about…fashion designing?"

"Fashion?"

"Yeah! I think you were born for it, personally. I mean, the way you mix and match those sunglasses with that gray jacket…and the hood! Very cool, very sexy. Hell, if I were gay, I'd probably fall for you!"

"You're straight?" Shino marveled.

"Asexual, actually. The only thing that turns me on is money. But never mind that, I'm telling you: Shino, my boy, you're the reincarnation of Coco Chanel! You've got the flair! You've got the style! You've got the creative mind!"

"I am rather wild," Shino admitted.

"Right! Right…so you should give everyone here a makeover!" Hoshi said, gesturing with a pickle to make his point clear.

"You're right!"

"Yeah I am! You should paint the town purple!"

"Purple's out of fashion, but I see what you mean!"

"You should buy me lunch!"

"I should!"

"Right!"  
"Right!"

They beamed at each other, and the bug-nin-turned-fashionista left. "So much to do, so little time," he was muttering as he walked away. Hoshi cackled as he helped himself to the rest of the boy's lunch. So he'd inspired Shino to design clothes. So what? Whatever he came up with, it couldn't be worse than the _**idiocy **_the people of Konohagakure wore now, could it?

It's _**shocking **_just how wrong one boy can be.

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"I call it _The Divine Dance of Joyous Orgasm Line_!" Shino declared. Hinata turned a delicate shade of green, and Kiba gaped at the collision of chiffon and cotton and _**tie dye **_and…and…(dare I say it?) zebra print!

"It's…interesting, Shino," Kurenai said.

"Interesting? Please, sensei! This is gorgeous! Why? Because I made it!"

"Well, at least he has a hobby now," Kiba commented when he left in a huff.

"I wonder how long this phase will last," Kurenai muttered, and Hinata gave a little whimper of fear.

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"Sakura! What are you wearing, it's hideous!" Shino cried as he approached the pink haired kunoichi. The girl twitched. "What's hideous?"

"Your _**clothes! **_Ugh, even you shouldn't have to look so ugly," he complained, "Let me fix it! Why? Because I can!"

She gasped as he abruptly unzipped the little zipper over her shorts, causing the skirt-type-thingy (what _**is **_that?) to fall away.

"Oh, very nice, very haute couture!"

"What the hell, Shino!?"

"Hey," he said, putting his palms up, "Thank me later. You will, too! Now maybe guys won't think you're a lesbian!"

"People think I'm a lesbian?" she asked, dumbstruck.

"_**Guys **_do, I mean you're too strong to be straight."

"What kind of shit-ass sexist reasoning is that?!"

"It's the way we think, chickadee," he chuckled, heading off to fulfill his oh-so-noble-mission of brining fashion to the ninja world.

Naruto looked to his teammate. "Did Shino just say chickadee?"

"Did Shino just unzip you?" Kakashi asked.

"Did Shino once ask 'why?' like the complete idiot he normally is?" Sakura questioned them.

"Yes, yes, and no," Sasuke said.

"I smell a rat," the pink haired kunoichi growled, "And its name is _**Hoshi.**_"

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"Yeah, I…uh, inspired him," Hoshi broke into a sweat as Sakura lifted him by the collar.

"_**Why?**_"

"He was all depressed, I wanted money and he had chicken and he was pissed at Kiba and MOMMY THAT DOESN'T BEND THAT WAY!!"

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"Anko-san! What the hell is up with your fishnet fetish?" Shino barked at the volatile chuunin. She glared at him in the same way that Hinata didn't. (Yeah, Douglas Adams!)

"What did you say?"

"Fishnet! God, don't get me started on fishnet! Why does _**everyone **_in the ninja world like fucking fishnet so much? Everyone wears it, what is it like a talisman? Take it off, take it all off!"

Iruka shot her a sly grin. "Yeah, Anko, take it all off!"

A hook to the left sent him flying, and the woman turned to the ex-bug-nin. "Now, you were saying?"  
"Tie-dye! That's the way to go! Grunge! It's coming back!"

"Guess what?" Anko asked him sweetly.

"Yes?"

"I don't give a fuck."

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Tsunade stared at the broken mess that had once been Hoshi, and turned to Team Seven. "Do I want to know?"

"Shino's out there giving _**fashion advice**_ because this puce haired donkey told him he was the reincarnation of Coco Chanel," her apprentice scowled.

The Godaime Hokage shot the injured (wow, understatement of the millennium there) boy a weird look. "Coco Chanel?"

"Fashion icon."

"Right…Shizune, fix Hoshi. Hoshi, fix Shino. Sakura, get me some tea, all this hard work is giving me a migraine. Kakashi…I think Sasuke and Naruto are trying to kill each other again," she said, cocking her head to the side quizzically. They heard the faint cries of 'CHIDORI' and 'RASENGAN' and the Copy Nin sighed.

"I'm on it," he said, jumping out the window.

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And so it came to pass that Shino was never excluded from a mission again. _**Ever. **_

And so it also came to pass that Hoshi was never allowed to _**counsel **_anyone in any way again. Ever.

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

**People, does anyone actually know what 'haute couture' means? Enlighten me, please. **


End file.
